I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
I'm not sure, 7-8, the last bit was a rush of at least three blended together. Basically you fucked me so stupid that I can't even recall the number of orgasms.
So you know, I'm making that my facebook status.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
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