**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
Randomize
