if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Randomize
