I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
20 People Who Caught Their Significant Others Cheating and Hand Over Some Major Karma
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
33 Memes You’ll Find Uncomfortably Relatable If You’ve Ever Been Through A Messy Breakup
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there