Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
My ass is underappreciated
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
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