i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
