I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
Randomize
