my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
