i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
Randomize
