I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
