singing on the bus should be illegal
huh?
There's a group of like 8 white people in the back of the bus harmonizing to sugar we're going down
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
