We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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