I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
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