the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
Tough to say exactly how to play this. I just know people don't like surprises when genitals are involved.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
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