how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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