my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
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