Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
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well he's currently spooning the coffee table
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
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