the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
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