Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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