...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize
