I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
Randomize
