I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Randomize
