pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Randomize
