Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Randomize
