I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She even gives head with a lisp.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
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