Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...