My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
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Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
27 People Confess The Worst Jobs They’ve Ever Had
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"