I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
Here’s Everything Coming To Netflix This July
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
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I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
soo... how was my night?