Everything about him screamed your future.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
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i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
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I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.