I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
Angelique from Rock of Love is now doing phone sex commercials for central illinois....id say she's going places.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
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