I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
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