Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
i was looking up hair salons in ithaca for the wedding and one is a hair salon/ sake bar! you can have sake or champagne while you get your hair done!
question, how would one sake-bomb while getting hair done without getting a horrible haircut?
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Randomize
