Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
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