Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
i stalked him back to the creation of his facebook in november 2008. that bad.
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Randomize
