dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
Randomize
