it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
