Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
This teachers last name is pfister and she did the fisting motion to help explain how to pronounce her name. This class might be good
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Is there a sexuality term for 'only wants hatefucks'?
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