eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
