Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
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