Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
I look excited, but its just a facade.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Randomize
