Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Randomize
