The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
im probably the most hungover person watchin icarly right now
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
No that's sign language, not a drinking game. I tried to join
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
