i used the pictures of vaginas in your biology book to jack off.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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