She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
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