Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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