I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
Randomize
