now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
Randomize
