I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
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