so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
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