The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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