I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
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