I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
