what day is it and did you see me today?
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
Randomize
