Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
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