i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
It was good. Ended up having a 3 hr make out session with her
What is this high school
There was a lot of catching up to do bro
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
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