last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
Randomize
