I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
