Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
Randomize
