I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
Randomize
