I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
Randomize
