i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
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I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
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I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
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