After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
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