cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
I have aggressive nipples.
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
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