I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
it was like having sex with a tree stump
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Randomize
