I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
who has a one night stand on Christmas ? But he's pretty attractive so thumbs up
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
Randomize
