Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
Small penises have feelings too.
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
I deserve to be covered in dicks
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
Randomize
