I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
Semi hypothetical question. Do you think its physically possible to bruise your clit?
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
Legal advice please. Can you sue someone for jerking off to photos of you?
Randomize
