If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
